


If i lose myself

by Road_To_Dawn



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Blood and Injury, Evil oc is a creepy asshole i must let you know, Felix gets to watch Sylvain suffer, Felix is just an idiot in denial, Felix is not ok with that, I'm sorry Sylvain i love you therefore you must suffer, M/M, Sylvain is in love but scared, Torture, reconnaissance mission gone wrong, this is not nice, very wrong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:02:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24126319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Road_To_Dawn/pseuds/Road_To_Dawn
Summary: They are approaching the fortress under the cover of the trees when Sylvain’s foot hits something hard that skids across the ground. It’s a dagger. Sylvain kneels to grab the weapon but freezes when he gets a glance at the seal engraved on the hilt. It’s the Kingdom’s seal. Restlessness seeps into Sylvain’s bones, he’s now aware of what fate befell the previous soldiers that had been sent on this mission.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20





	If i lose myself

**Author's Note:**

> (Title from the song 'If i lose myself' from One Replubic) (I know, it's bad, i couldn't come up with anything better :P)
> 
> Hi! First, this is incredibly self-indulgent hahahha. I came with this idea like half a year ago and couldn't let it go, so I started writing it. Insert mandatory "I love Sylvain I swear" even though i've made it my personal goal to break him in this fic. (What can i say, i love hurting my fictional faves)
> 
> Read the warnings before reading this story! And please, if you notice any grammatical error, tell me in the comments and i'll fix it. This story is unbetaed and english is not my first language, even if I've looked at it a thousand time there's bound to be mistakes, probably.
> 
> Now it's going to get really angsty so buckle down and enjoy the ride with me.

Felix stomps his way across Garreg Mach. It’s safe to say that he’s pissed because he has just been summoned by Byleth and the damn boar and he’s been told to go with Sylvain, out of all the people on their goddam army, on a reconnaissance mission.

Felix should be training for the next battle, not going on a mission with Sylvain. This should be the work of another, but apparently the group they sent to investigate the fortress hasn’t come back. They are to find out what happened, estimate the number of imperial soldiers inside the keep and come back. They are supposed to lay low. Exactly, how is he supposed to do all of that with Sylvain?

So, Felix is angry. Understandably so, if anyone asks him.

He grabs a couple of daggers from his room, shoves them inside the hidden pockets of his cape, hides one on his thigh. When he’s finished, he marches toward the monastery’s entry. There, Sylvain is waiting for him with a small group of soldiers. He’s smiling at him, as always. Felix just knows he’s about to say something silly. It pisses him off, yet it also strums a certain cord inside of him, one that makes him feel warm.

Felix walks past Sylvain without letting him mutter a single word. He wants to get over with this as fast as possible. The sooner they leave, the sooner they’ll come back and the sooner he’ll be able to resume his sword training.

Besides, he’s got a bad feeling he cannot seem to get rid of and he doesn’t feel like talking.

XXXXXX

Sylvain’s been watching Felix’s back for the last half an hour. He’s talked to him or, well, tried to. Felix has only answered him with grunts and some insults here and there. Standard Felix, to be honest.

They are approaching the fortress under the cover of the trees when Sylvain’s foot hits something hard that skids across the ground. It’s a dagger. Sylvain kneels to grab the weapon but freezes when he gets a glance at the seal engraved on the hilt. It’s the Kingdom’s seal. Restlessness seeps into Sylvain’s bones, he’s now aware of what fate befell the previous soldiers that had been sent on this mission.

He catches a glint of metal amidst the foliage when a fortunate ray of light slips in between the abundant trees. It looks like an arrowhead and Sylvain realizes with sinking dread that it’s pointing towards Felix.

“Felix!” His body moves by itself. He runs and throws himself towards the swordsman. Sylvain’s body collides with Felix’s, and they are both sent to the ground just in time to avoid the arrow, which nicks Sylvain’s armor.

One of their soldiers, however, is not that lucky. A second arrow cuts through the air and embeds itself on the soldier’s head. His death is instantaneous, he drops to the floor like a puppet whose strings have been cut.

Sylvain and Felix are quick to stand up on their feet once again. And just in time, for imperial soldiers start coming out from between the foliage and Felix barely manages to parry an axe that would have embedded itself into Sylvain’s shoulder.

They fight alongside each other. They parry hit after hit, kill one imperial soldier after another. But it’s futile. Of the three Kingdom soldiers that came with them, two are already dead and the third one won’t last much longer.

There are simply too many imperial soldiers and too few of them.

The battle carries on for a few more minutes until the third soldier is killed by two imperial soldiers who were ganging up on him. Amid the chaotic last minutes, Sylvain and Felix had been separated. The imperial soldiers are nothing but relentless, but Felix is just as fierce as they are, and he attacks them with renewed energy once their friend falls.

Sylvain, however, isn’t faring as well as his angered companion. His leg is injured — a soldier got a lucky hit with his sword in between the joints of his armor — and is threatening to fold under Sylvain’s own body weight. That, alongside the weariness caused by the battle, is the reason why he doesn’t notice a man sneaking from behind until there’s a hard object connecting with his skull. He drops to the ground stunned. Sylvain loses any concept of time and space; his world is reduced to an unbearable pain that concentrates inside his head, relentless. Nausea threatens to overpower his body, but Sylvain swallows and holds the unbearable need to  _ puke his insides out _ back.

When awareness comes back to him, he notices he’s leaning against a hard surface — body? — and he feels a cold, sharp object against his neck. There are words being said, and Sylvain wills himself to open his eyes and listen.

He doesn’t like what he sees or what he hears, for that matter.

“Drop the sword, Fraldarius”

Felix is surrounded, swords and other weapons pointing at him. He’s injured — there’s a cut on his arm that’s bleeding sluggishly — and disheveled, but his eyes promise hell to be brought down on the soldiers surrounding him.

Sylvain’s a hostage now, though. And as much as Felix likes to pretend that he doesn’t give a fuck, Sylvain knows the swordsman does care. A lot, in fact. That’s why, with a frustrated huff, Felix throws the sword to the ground.

The soldiers quickly subdue the angry swordsman. While they are busy tying his hands behind Felix’s back, the man holding Sylvain prisoner pushes him toward two other men and spins him around. His hands are tied too, and soon they are both made to kneel in front of a man. This man — huge, red hair, stern expression — is very clearly in command. With a sinking feeling and a new bout of nausea, Sylvain realizes the man reminds him of Miklan. They share an uncanny resemblance, and this is  _ so _ not going to be fun.

“What do you want?” Felix almost spats, the soldier holding him struggles to keep him subdued.

The man doesn’t reply, he just levels both captives with a glare full of curiosity and anger. It’s a dangerous combination and Sylvain notices that, maybe, there too might be glee in that expression.

A soldier comes from the right. “Captain Damer, we haven’t found any more Kingdom’s soldiers”

“Keep looking” His voice is deep. It fits well with his overall appearance. “I don’t trust them” He looks back at Sylvain and Felix. His glare lingers a little too long, Sylvain can’t get rid of the feeling that Damer is looking at him.

The captain smirks, then points towards the guards holding them down. “Bring them to the fort and take their armors. I want them on the last cell, the one to the right, you know the one” The soldiers nod, and soon Felix and Sylvain are being marched through the forest and towards the fortress.

XXXXXX 

They are pulled into the cell not without difficulty. Felix kicks and curses and one guard yelps in pain when Felix’s foot meets his shin. The guard throws him to the ground in retaliation and, without the use of his hands, Felix meets the stone floor quite painfully.

“Hey, careful!” Sylvain screams, but his warning falls on deaf ears as he too is shoved to the ground with a grunt. “Or not, I guess” he mutters.

Felix is already trying to get back on his feet when one of the guards kicks him back down. They grab his bound wrists and cut the ropes. As soon as Felix’s hands are free he tries to punch a guard, but the grip the guards have on his wrists is too strong. They make Felix stand and push him against the wall. Felix yelps in pain when his head hits the wall.

Sylvain bristles at that. He tries to stand but a hand locks into his hair and pulls him back on his knees. “Stop making a scene” The third guard says. Sylvain tries to dislodge his head from the guard’s grasp, but it’s impossible. The grip is so strong that it feels like his scalp is going to come off.

Sylvain is forced to watch as manacles are looped around Felix’s wrist, forcing him to stand. Once they are finished with Felix, they repeat the process with Sylvain. Soon, they are both left alone in the cell.

Sylvain pulls at the restraints to test their strength. They are sturdy, it would be impossible to dislodge them from the wall. He glances over at Felix, who is still pulling at his restraint, a trail of blood running down his arms from where iron meets skin.

“Felix, they won’t come off. You are only hurting yourself” Sylvain warns the swordsman.

“You don’t know that”

Alright, so Felix is moody. Understandable. But him hurting himself isn’t going to do them any good. “Felix, please” Sylvain thinks that his friend won’t listen to him but, to his surprise, Felix gives a last half-hearted pull and then lets his hands hang from the handcuffs with an annoyed sigh.

Happy that Felix has listened to him, Sylvain focuses his attention on the cell. His whole body shudders when he takes in the sight in front of him. There is a lit forge at their left and the walls are lined with different knives and instruments. Some Sylvain recognizes, others he doesn’t. All of them promise pain.

“This isn’t good” He chuckles nervously.

“No shit” Felix deadpans. Sylvain can tell the swordsman has rolled his eyes at him without looking.

Right at that moment, the cell door bursts open. The captain — Damer — enters the cell followed by two guards. “What a lucky day. I catch two Kingdom soldiers, and they so happen to be Gautier and Fraldarius themselves” He grins menacingly.

“Won’t be so lucky once I run my sword through you” Felix snarls.

The captain ignores Felix and motions with his head towards the two bound men. “Grab Gautier” He says. Then he points towards a pair of chains hanging from the center of the room “Chain him there”

The two guards advance. In no time they have Sylvain’s arms wrenched behind his back and they are pulling him toward the center of the room. Sylvain can hear Felix struggling behind him. “Don’t you dare touch him!” Felix screams and, despite the situation they are in, Sylvain can’t help but feel touched by his friend’s concern.

“Oh, I’ll touch him all I want and more, Fraldarius” Is Damer’s curt response. He nods towards the door. “Make him shut up, will you?”

A third guard enters the room. With a quick ‘yes, captain’, he grabs something from a table situated at their right and disappears behind Sylvain.

The guards manhandling Sylvain finish chaining him in the middle of the room. The chains pull at his writs painfully, he has no choice but to forcibly stand on his toes. The guards step away from him just as Sylvain hears a hard smack followed by Felix’s pained gasp. Sylvain turns his body as much as the chains allow him just in time to see the third guard slide a muzzle-like device over Felix’s mouth.

Sylvain winces, sure that the swordsman hates it already. Indeed, Felix releases a muffled scream in frustration and proceeds to glare murderously at the soldiers.

“Much better” Says the captain. He then motions the guards to leave. Once they are left alone in the room, he strides toward the wall filled with knives and grabs one of the smaller ones. He twirls it around while he circles Sylvain slowly. Once, twice, until he stops in front of him.

“I wonder why a group of Kingdom’s soldiers and two Kingdom generals were snooping around my fort. Probably trying to find the best way to attack us” Damer looks down at the knife, twirls it around one more time, and then locks his eyes with Sylvain. “If you tell me now what are the Kingdom's plans, I promise you won’t suffer” The man smiles with an innocence that doesn’t match the glint in his eyes.

Sylvain holds his stare. He isn’t about to betray his friends, he’d rather die.

“Oh well, suit yourself” The captain shrugs. He grabs Sylvain’s side and presses into the soft flesh. “Don’t move”

Despite the warning, Sylvain recoils when the tip of the blade touches his stomach. Damer slices Sylvain’s shirt from the bottom up. He drags the blade slowly, relishing in Sylvain’s panicked attempts to put distance between his body and the sharp object. Small droplets of blood fall down Sylvain’s chest when the knife accidentally nicks his skin.

He keeps at it until the shirt is completely sliced. It falls to the ground, leaving Sylvain’s upper body exposed. The man gives a pleased sigh before walking behind Sylvain.

The sudden contrast of a cold hand on his warm back startles Sylvain, and he feels it slide up and down, as if the captain is somehow appraising him.

“Your back is quite exquisite, Gautier” Sylvain shudders, not sure if it was due to being cold or out of fear and disgust. “It will make a good canvas”

Sylvain is officially creeped out now. The witty answer he is preparing dies inside his throat when Damer moves rapidly, grabs his left wrist, and cuts into his forearm. Sylvain hisses in pain, blood starting to run down his arm.

Rattling sounds from behind, no doubt Felix straining against the chains that are holding him back.

While Sylvain is busy riding out the pain, the captain nears the table again and grabs some small device. Sylvain nervously watches him walk back to the center of the room. When he is close enough, he snatches Sylvain’s injured arm and collects a drop of blood with the knife. Sylvain tries to wrench his wrist from the man’s grip unsuccessfully.

Once done, Damer releases his grip on Sylvain and lets a single drop of blood fall on the small device. It flares immediately, showing the crest of Gautier. Sylvain’s crest.

“Tell me, Gautier. How do you feel about crests?” Damer asks while stepping behind Sylvain.

Sylvain remains silent until a hand wrenches his hair and the blade is pressed against his neck. “Answer me” The captain whispers right into his ear. Sylvain gulps, feeling his Adam’s apple bob painfully against the knife.

“Not a big fan of them” Sylvain answers quickly, eager to get the knife away from such a vulnerable spot.

Damer chuckles darkly. “Then you’ll love what I’m about to do”

Sylvain hears Felix’s muffled scream seconds before his world is immersed in pain. It’s horrible, relentless agony. Sylvain barely manages to bite the scream back down as he fights pointlessly against the chains keeping him still and the hand still tangled with his hair. He only succeeds in arching his back inward, but Damer follows the movement without giving him a moment of respite. He drags the blade across his back at an agonizingly slow pace, blood flowing out of the laceration and dripping down Sylvain’s back in a low but steady flow.

It lasts for what seems to be an eternity until finally,  _ finally _ , the blade separates from his throbbing skin, leaving Sylvain a trembling mess. The man rests his chin on Sylvain’s shoulder.

“One line down…” He rubs Sylvain’s back in a soothing manner, almost lovingly, as if trying to give Sylvain some sense of security. But Damer’s next words makes Sylvain’s blood run cold “Eleven more to go”

**Author's Note:**

> *Looks at the end of this chapter*  
> Me: ...yep, a good place to end this chapter :D 
> 
> Now, I've got the second chapter in the works but i write at a snail's pace bc life is a thing, uni is hell and animal crossing and FF7r have got me hooked. It will take me a while to post the next chapter.
> 
> If you wanna talk, scream at me about the story or Sylvain or anything else, I'm @thirstywolfie on twitter.


End file.
